Over the next few weeks I’m going to be sharing some ideas for “conversations” to have with your tween or teen girl.  Hear what I have to say about talking about expectations with your daughter here:

Perfect Time Number 5 is Girls Nights

Every now and again it is fun to purposely spend time together. These other times mentioned may just happen accidentally, but a purposed planned event such as a girl’s night out or a girl’s night in with your daughter(s) can be a great way to connect. Do something fun that you both enjoy and allow the quality time you are spending together to affect your relationship for the better.

You might even want to invite a girlfriend along, one of your daughter’s that is. My mom often allowed me to have friends sleep over. Spending time with my friends helped my mom to get to know them and to discover whether or not they were someone she really wanted me hanging out with. She was able to judge and then from there give me advice on how to handle that particular friend. She was also able to positively influence some of my friends who may have not had a strong connection with their own mothers or even with Jesus Christ.

Last weekend I spent some time cleaning out my closet. I got rid of all the clothes and shoes that no longer fit, the maternity clothes I do not plan to use anymore, and the clothes that were just plain worn out and got rid of them or donated them. The process, though not exactly fun, was rewarding because it meant that my closet is neater, the clothes that I do have are easier to find and just the fact that I could purge some items was refreshing.

Are there some things in your life that need to be “cleaned out” like my closet? There are often things in our lives that could use a good cleaning out. These things could include: your relationships, your grudges and most importantly your heart.

The Bible says in Psalm 51:10, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (NKJV) Sometimes, there are things in our lives that need cleaning. We have to clean out those relationships that are becoming stumbling blocks in our lives, rather than stepping stones. Sometimes, this may mean that your relationships need some mending, other times it may mean you just need to let the relationship go.

Another area of life where you can do some cleaning is “grudges”. Are you holding a grudge against anyone in your life? Do you need to seek their forgiveness? Do you need to approach them and talk through the situation? Forgiveness is often needed to push through and “clean out” a situation in our lives.

Finally, our hearts, as Scripture says we must want a clean heart, that only God can give. A heart free from sin, from burdens, this means getting rid of it all and laying it at God’s feet. What do you need to clean out today?

Photo credit: SXC

Thinking back to my own years in grade school I attempt to recall how I felt.  I know I was painfully shy and attempted to just “blend” in and not be noticed.  Though I don’t recall it at this time, I’m sure there were incidences of “mean girls” even in my day, but fortunately for me, I don’t remember it so much.  Unfortunately, for most girls today “mean girls” and their viciousness is quite rampant in today’s society.

How do you teach your daughter to deal with the “mean girls” no matter what her age?  They seem to be starting this syndrome earlier and earlier.  So, we must equip our daughter(s) to deal with it.  How, you ask? I believe many of the principles that we should teach our daughter(s), no matter if they are dealing with mean girls or not are the same principles that will equip her to deal with them.

The Golden Rule. Matthew 7:12 says, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” (NIV)  So many times girls are hurt, and rightly so but they begin to focus inward, on their own thoughts and feelings and they never give a thought to the other person.  Many times girls are “mean” and vicious because of a lack of something, whether it be love, attention, or something else.  Encourage your daughter to treat the “mean girl” as she wants to be treated, not how they treat her.

Empower her. Help your daughter to focus on her own positive traits and abilities.  So many times “mean girls” target those girls who seem to have no self-esteem or a low self-esteem.  In many ways they are making it easier on themselves.  It is easier to put down a person who is already low to begin with, but if your daughter is thinking “positively” and using her own good qualities to bring up her self-esteem and empower herself she is less likely to be a victim of the “mean girls”.

Build her relationships. Again, many times girls are picked on by the “mean girls” because they are easily centered out from the others.  Have your daughter to focus on building relationships so that she is never caught alone and so she isn’t easily pegged.  A lack of good, healthy relationships in a girl’s life is one of the reasons that “mean girls’ exist in the first place.  Finding like-minded individuals in which she has things in common can help her to build good, positive relationships, which she will carry throughout life and which will be an encouragement to her.

Unfortunately, the mean girls likely won’t go away, however your daughter’s tendency to be picked on by them can change with the right focus in your daughter’s life.  Be an agent of positive change in your daughter’s life to help her to deal with and combat the role of the “mean girls” in her life.

Do you have an open door policy? Meaning, can your daughter and her friends hang out at your house whenever they want? I just recently watched an episode of Wife Swap. Both ladies on the show had swapped places with each other and both families had teenage girls. One of the moms allowed her daughter(s) to have company anytime including male friends without supervision, while the other never allowed her daughters to have friends over.

The show was a bit sad, with both of the situations being a bit extreme. One set of girls was completely out of control while  the other set was so sheltered and honestly quite pitiful as they were treated so negatively by their parents. Neither set really had a healthy situation in my opinion, which made me think there had to be a happy medium.

It is important that we allow our daughters to have some freedom, especially our teens. But we also have to give restrictions too. There has to be a sense of trust established in order for proper restrictions and balance to be maintained.  A good practice is an open door policy that includes allowing friends to visit when there is adult supervision. You will be surprised how much you can learn from and about your daughter as you witness her interacting with her friends.

Not only will this help you in your relationship with your daughter, your knowledge of her friends and the way that she interacts with them, but it will also help her in her ability to face temptation and say no to it.  She will realize the support that she has in you, as you faithfully back her up and encourage her, not to mention are open to her ideas, and the friendships that she seeks to maintain become a part of your whole family, not just her life but all of your lives.

The friends that she has come over will begin to see the love that you have for your daughter and will begin to respect you, your rules, and your morals and viewpoints.  They will then be more likely to refrain from pressuring your daughter with temptations that they know you would be against.  They would have a greater sense of responsibility to you as they too have a relationship with you.

Then, there is much to be said about how much better you’ll know her friends and how much they will respect you for having them around, opening up your doors, your home and your life to them. It can really do wonders for not only your relationship with your daughter(s) but also your relationship with her friends and her relationship with them as well.

How do you spell love? Well, you might say L-O-V-E of course, but I would beg to differ. That is because I believe that love can better be spelled for many of us, T-I-M-E. After all for love to be shown, maintained, developed, and given, it takes just that, time. No matter who the love is being shown to it will take you sacrificing your time to spend it showing that person that you love them. It will take you doing this over a period of time, before that person will believe that your love is true. Then it will take you spending time, continually, to ensure that the love relationship is maintained. It takes time to give love to someone else, which is why I spell love, T-I-M-E, instead of L-O-V-E.

So many people today, in many of their relationships believe that the other person knows that they love them, and that the other person has felt that love enough to where they no longer have to show them that love. This is a major mis-judgment, because in fact in order for most of us to feel loved that love must keep being shown, And in order to feel that love we must have the person who is to show their love for us in our presence, which is why love takes time, specifically spending time together.

This is easy for most of us when first meeting someone when a relationship is first established and when we first begin to love them, especially in romantic relationships. Think about it, when you first fall in love with someone you cannot think about anything else but that person. You eat, sleep, and breath their every good quality and seem to never be able to get enough of their presence. However, as time goes on that changes, but your love for them does not, so why do we think that we can somehow spend less time together or should spend less time together?

When it comes to love and showing our love to each other it is important that we do indeed spend time together in order to nurture, grow and maintain the relationship. The time spent on that relationship helps to build a sense of and a true feeling of commitment and trust, which is important to any relationship.

So, if you want a relationship to be well-maintained and to grow as it should be willing to commit the time that it takes to truly show them your love, and if you’re not willing to put in the time, do not expect to receive the commitment and for it to equal the love you are looking for in return.

Tonight one of the teens from my former youth group graduates from high school. This high school senior will throw his cap in the air and most likely does not have a clue what life has in store for him on the other side of this evening.  He may not realize the importance of the relationships that he has with those other seniors who will stand with him tonight as graduates.

I probably did not either.  I remember my graduation very well.  The day went by quickly and so did the ceremony.  I remember very little of what was said.  I do however remember tossing the cap, hugging my friends, going home for dinner and leaving for summer camp where I was working for the next 8 weeks.  From that day forward to today I have seen my high school friends very little.  It is amazing how quickly time has flown and how little of them I have seen.

Those relationships I had with my classmates I think I took for granted, that or I so naively believed they’d always be there.  However, time has slowly pulled those relationships apart, or at least put distance between us.  Not always negatively, but just as a part of the reality of life.

Most of us have had very fulfilling lives from what I know.  Many of us went off to college, many of us have married, some have had children, others are now expecting.  We have all had to move out of the homes of our parents and into our own places, taking care of our own responsibilities.

What has made this easier is those relationships we have had, both old and new, relationships with each other, our families,  our parents, and the new relationships we’ve formed since high school, with college roommates, colleagues, and others along the way.

All of these relationships are important in their own way because you see God placed them in our path.  He had a hand in each and every one of them.  One might call this divine intervention.  God divinely inspiring those relationships in our lives for just the right time to help fulfill just the right need.  That’s how He works after all.

I think it is important that we treasure those relationships, realizing how important they are to all of us.  Whether they be relationships from our past or those we are presently enjoying they should be treasured because they are a gift from God.

So, whether you’re a high school senior about to throw your cap in the air, or someone who has been in the real world a long time.  Look around you, count those relationships you have or have had and treasure them in your heart.