This will be a new series of blog posts on Spiritual Disciplines. These are habits and / or activities that we can incorporate into our lives and encourage our daughters to embrace and incorporate into their lives to grow in their relationship with Jesus Christ.

This series will cover the following:

Spiritual Growth

Mentoring

Prayer & Prayer Journaling

Reading God’s Word

There will be some giveaways associated with this series as well.  I’m looking forward to it and I hope you will as well.

This weekend I spoke to a group of 1st – 6th grade girls.  The topic was what they can learn from Queen Esther.  Queen Esther was a very brave young woman.  One of the girls there was to me, very brave.  She asked me question after question about the story, about myself, about whatever came to her mind I assume.

The good thing to me about her asking questions was that it showed me that she was listening.  She was taking in what I was saying and she was processing it.  I believe that asking questions is a good thing.  This brought me to think about, “Do you allow your daughter to ask questions?”  We as parents want our children to come to us with problems, with issues, with fears, but are we open and willing for them to ask questions.

Honestly, this speaks to me, because my oldest, a boy, is a question asker.  I kept thinking that it was his age, he’s six, but I shouldn’t want it to stop there.  I should want him to ask questions as he gets older, because I want to know he’s listening, I want to know he is thinking things through, I want to know that he values what I have to say.

Think about this. . . what do you want your daughter to ask you questions about.  Feel free to share in the comments below:

photo credit: adamci

Over the next few weeks I’m going to be sharing some ideas for “conversations” to have with your tween or teen girl.  Hear what I have to say about talking about expectations with your daughter here:

Perfect Time Number 7 is Technology Talk

So, we’ve covered many in person options for you to use to connect with your daughter, but you might be wondering about more common forms of communication. Those type of communication most of us are using on a daily basis to communicate with everyone from business associates to “online” friends. This type of communicating is done via the fabulous ways we know as technology. Text messaging, email, instant messaging, most of us use these forms of communication on a weekly basis, surprisingly these are great ways to communicate with your daughter.

Some people are more open when they are “writing” something rather than speaking it, so your daughter may be more likely to really share with you in the form of a text or email. I have found over the past few months that I am communicating more with family members I did not communicate with as much before they came online and began using such technology as Facebook and email. This has given us a connection that we didn’t have before.

No matter how you choose to do so, choose to connect with your daughter. This very important relationship in both of your lives is worth investing in. Do not let the hours, days, weeks, months and years slip by without connecting with each other. I promise you won’t regret it. I bet you my mom would tell you she doesn’t regreat a minute of the time we spent together.

Perfect Time Number 6 is Table Talk

Meal times are a great time for conversations. This should obviously involve the whole family, but that is an even better time to cultivate the relationship between all family members, not just you and your daughter. Meal times are a great time for families to share what has gone on throughout their day. Making mealtimes a priority is important for families. Sharing a meal together is a great way to connect. Remember, grocery store runs are a teaching time and this connected with meal time itself can be the ultimate bonding experience for you and your daughter.

Have your daughter help with meal planning weekly. She might even choose to cook one night of each week. Or at least choose to have her favorite meal on that night. Why not make meal times extra special in this way. Your daughter is a gift from God, it is important to do all that you can to make her feel important, valued and special.

Perfect Time Number 4 is Godly Gossip

Did you know there is a type of gossip that can actually be good? Well, there is, Godly gossip. This is when you share with your daughter what God is doing in your life and you have her do the same. At this time it is ok to admit your weaknesses. My momma often admitted to me that she did not know what else to do as a parent in a particular situation, but she would always tell me that she had prayed or was praying about that situation and that she was giving it to God. I learned how this worked from my mom.

Over the years, she and my daddy encouraged me to go to God for every decision, from boyfriends to temptation, to choosing where to go to college and what to do with the rest of my life. “Pray about it” was a noted phrase in our house and a good answer to almost everything.

Perfect Time Number 3 is on Grocery Store Runs

Can I just tell you how much I loved going to the grocery store with my momma.  This is the time when my momma empowered me.  She made me feel like the smartest girl alive.  I was her go to gal.  I helped her with the difficult task of creating a meal for our family.  I helped her with pinching the pennies that my daddy doiled out not so freely, and we together as a team would create a meal.

So, not only did we go to the grocery store together, but we problem solved together, we were creative together and ultimately we would work together to prepare a meal.  As a young girl I learned valuable life skills from my momma through these times together.  She jokingly said after I was married, that I must have learned from watching, because I did more talking than cooking.  But, you can ask my husband, I know my way around the kitchen now.  So, even if your daughter only learns from watching, she’s learning.

Perfect Time Number 2 is Bedtime Chats

My momma is a sleeper.  She loves to sleep she can go to sleep at the drop of a hat and she requires a lot of sleep.  So, are you surprised that even on the nights I would get in at midnight on curfew from a date that she would still be up, or at least dozing on the couch so that when I walked through the door she was there.  A coincidence, not likely, my momma was waiting up on me.  She had a reason for it.  She wanted to have our “bedtime chat”.  I rarely went to bed without a bedtime chat with my momma.  Talking about the day, or the date, or whatever else came up.  I didn’t hide much from my momma and when I did it was bad.  Secrets were never smart to have from momma, so I didn’t keep them often.

I looked forward to bedtime chats with my momma.  She was the one person in my teenage life that I could trust with my secrets.  Be that person for your daughter.  She needs that person in her life.  Teen girls are cruel and they rarely ever keep their word.  Your daughter needs someone she can trust.  Be there and be ready to “listen” more than you “talk”.  Let her do the talking.  You’ll be glad you did.

My momma mourned when I moved out of the house at 19.  I know it may sound a bit drastic, but I was literally her shadow for nineteen years.  I spent a ton of time with my momma.  In the bathroom, in the bedroom, in every room of the house and out side of the house.  We went grocery shopping together, to the bathroom together and traveled together.  There were not many places my momma did not accompany me.  Ok, maybe on dates, but hey we could not push it too far  now could we?

You get the picture though, my momma and I were pretty inseparable.  I believe that this has had a profound impact upon my life.  You see, I have a strong, positive relationship with my parents, both my mother and my father.  This strong relationship has helped me to see what a “healthy relationship” is in life.  It has been a good model for me to go by when determining if the other relationships in my life are what they should be.  My parents also modeled a strong relationship with Jesus Christ for me.  As a result, I have this relationship as well in my life.

Now, before you start thinking, “her life is perfect”.  Stop!  Do not go there.  Do not get me wrong I have a positive outlook on my life, both my past, my present, and my future, but perfect, I would not agree.  I rebelled against my parents as a teenager, I questioned God as a young adult, I have lived through death of loved ones, struggling financial times, and sick children.  I realize that life is not “a box of chocolates” like Forest Gump wants us to believe.  But, life, it is a gift and one that each of us have.  Also, in life our biggest gift is our relationships.

You probably have many relationships in your life, but I dare to say that your relationship with your children is probably your most valued.  The one that you hope you will never lose.  The one that you hope that you can maintain and grow over time, that those children, no matter how small they are now, will grow to be adults with strong connections and ties to their past, including a strong relationship with you, their momma.

I know I want this for myself, and my children, but since I have such a strong relationship with my mom, and I know that as a woman this is important in life I want to have that same type relationship with my only daughter, Lily.  The following are some things that I hope to do with her as she grows up.  Some perfect times that I hope to connect with her, many of which I did with my own momma over the years.  Maybe you can share these times with your daughter as well.  Happy Connecting!

Check back tomorrow for the first way to “connect”.

Little girls, they play dress up, talk to imaginary friends and dream of being grown up. They  create tea parties for their teddy bears, teach an imaginary classroom full of students and build an entire Barbie empire in their bedroom.  Right or are these activities lost in the new age hustle and bustle and avalanche of technology? Are they being replaced by Wii games, dancing to Ipod music and created dream houses on computer games or hand held Nintendo DS systems? 

As good as technology is and as many things as it has allowed us as a society to do, there is a time for it, and then there is a time for letting little girls, be well little girls and there are things that they can learn from good old fashioned activities, such as dress up and tea parties.

As a child the activities I loved the most were the ones that allowed me to use my imagination,  from imaginary friends to teaching a room full of imaginary students in my imaginary classroom known as my bedroom I enjoyed every minute of those times where I used my imagination for play.  Unfortunately, as our children are growing up in an age of technological advances much of this type play is slowly diminishing.

There is something you can do about this.  Limiting your daughter’s time that she uses “technology” to play is important to help her continue to use and grow her imagination.  Plus, she will learn to enjoy those activities that don’t involve technology even more.

As mom and daughter you can enjoy these activities together.  Invite a few friends and their daughters over for a “mother daughter tea party”, play dress up with your daughter allowing her to try on your clothes and fix her up in your makeup,  allow her to enjoy the experience and use it to bond with her.

It is through these special activities that you can get to know your daughter better, that you can see the twinkle in her eyes and you can influence her heart.  It is never too early to begin, as you want her to see you as someone she can have fun with, so that later on in life she will look to you for someone that she can truly learn from and share with every activity she enjoys and every dream that lies within her heart.

photo credit: Donna & Andrew

I’m not sure where I learned it, or even if I did, but somewhere along the way over my lifetime I have developed a servant’s heart. It is one characteristic that I am blessed to be developing, and one that I admire in others.  Being a servant is one of the key traits of Jesus Christ, and as a Christian I have been in the process of becoming more like Jesus daily.

If this concept can be taught, then it is one I believe that we should definitely pass on to our daughters. Maybe it’s one that can only be “caught” as I spoke of recently, but either way it is worth attempting to teach, in one way or another.

The Bible likens servant hood with greatness. It says in Matthew 20: 25-28,

“Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave- just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

In my eyes, having a servant’s heart means several things, these things include:

Seeing others through the eyes of Jesus. As a result you don’t see others the way that they truly are, but rather how they could be. So many times we see other’s sin and we begin to hold it against them, we hate the sinner rather than the sin, when God hates the sin, not the sinner. We must see other’s through the eyes of Jesus to truly be humble enough to serve. After all, Christianity is not only about serving God, but also serving others.

Seeing needs and meeting them. There are needs all around us, needs that need to be met, but so often times are ignored.  As one with a servant heart you will see those needs and be willing to meet them.  A true servant heart will also do so without being asked.

Doing what you can, when you can, because you can. A person with a servant’s heart will not only see the need and meet it but will do so often, and will make it their mission to serve.  They will consistently and frequently look for ways that they can serve.  They understand the heart of ministry and go out of their way to be a part of it, where ever they are, whenever they can.  They don’t wait around for opportunities to serve, they create them.

Teach your daughter to have a servant’s heart.  Teach her what it means to serve.  You can help to encourage them to serve by discussing with them what it means, pointing out to them those who serve in  your church and what they do to serve, help them to realize that everyone can serve, but not everyone serves alike.  Help them to realize we are all gifted in certain areas, but that sometimes we just need to do what needs to be done, no matter what our gifts.

Thinking back to my own years in grade school I attempt to recall how I felt.  I know I was painfully shy and attempted to just “blend” in and not be noticed.  Though I don’t recall it at this time, I’m sure there were incidences of “mean girls” even in my day, but fortunately for me, I don’t remember it so much.  Unfortunately, for most girls today “mean girls” and their viciousness is quite rampant in today’s society.

How do you teach your daughter to deal with the “mean girls” no matter what her age?  They seem to be starting this syndrome earlier and earlier.  So, we must equip our daughter(s) to deal with it.  How, you ask? I believe many of the principles that we should teach our daughter(s), no matter if they are dealing with mean girls or not are the same principles that will equip her to deal with them.

The Golden Rule. Matthew 7:12 says, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” (NIV)  So many times girls are hurt, and rightly so but they begin to focus inward, on their own thoughts and feelings and they never give a thought to the other person.  Many times girls are “mean” and vicious because of a lack of something, whether it be love, attention, or something else.  Encourage your daughter to treat the “mean girl” as she wants to be treated, not how they treat her.

Empower her. Help your daughter to focus on her own positive traits and abilities.  So many times “mean girls” target those girls who seem to have no self-esteem or a low self-esteem.  In many ways they are making it easier on themselves.  It is easier to put down a person who is already low to begin with, but if your daughter is thinking “positively” and using her own good qualities to bring up her self-esteem and empower herself she is less likely to be a victim of the “mean girls”.

Build her relationships. Again, many times girls are picked on by the “mean girls” because they are easily centered out from the others.  Have your daughter to focus on building relationships so that she is never caught alone and so she isn’t easily pegged.  A lack of good, healthy relationships in a girl’s life is one of the reasons that “mean girls’ exist in the first place.  Finding like-minded individuals in which she has things in common can help her to build good, positive relationships, which she will carry throughout life and which will be an encouragement to her.

Unfortunately, the mean girls likely won’t go away, however your daughter’s tendency to be picked on by them can change with the right focus in your daughter’s life.  Be an agent of positive change in your daughter’s life to help her to deal with and combat the role of the “mean girls” in her life.

Alyssa looks back over the past year of hiatus from the show and then looks back on the past 10 years and what God has done. She shares her heart, her testimony and encouragement for you and your daughter as she looks back maybe you can too. Then look ahead to what God can do in your life and in the life of your daughter.

God can do some amazing things. Reflect on what he is doing in your life. Listen as Alyssa shares what he has done and is doing in hers. God has a journey for you just like he has one for hers.

I’m not sure if you’ve heard the term, it is fairly new, but incredibly scary and life changing.  The term is sexting, the reality is it is happening and most likely your daughter knows someone who has participated in this activity, involving sending nude pictures from cell phone.

I was  shocked myself, when several months ago my mom informed me about a girl in my home town who had been caught doing this very thing, of course this was before the term “sexting” was created.  For the young girl, the consequences were minor, but for many teens as the news is showcasing the repercussions have been much worse including for some, jail time, which is about as serious as it comes.

So, how do you keep your daughter from sexting?  Open communication is key, besides this there are now also programs that you can utilize that will help you to monitor your teen’s cell phone activity and hopefully ensure that they will not participate in such activities.  Of course,  be prepared as your daughter could easily participate or be exposed to the activity via the acts of others and using phones of friends.

Also, you will need to check the Internet activity of your daughter as websites such as Facebook allow for photo posting as well.  Then, there are webcams that come with some computers or can be purchased fairly inexpensively that can allow teens to do more than just take a picture of themselves naked.

This is why active communication is necessary.  Begin now talking to your daughter about the reality of sexting, the consequences and why she should be sure to stay away from the activity.  Not only is it degrading but it is un-Biblical and harmful to her.

For an additional resource to help you to communicate with your daughter on this and other similar activities check out our guide: Seven Easy Tips: Encouraging Your Daughter to Say No.

My mother was not one of those moms who was afraid to educate me about the opposite sex, the birds and the bees, human sexuality, whatever you want to call it.  She wanted to be sure I knew about those things and stayed away from the hurt and pain that participating in sexual activities before I was ready to and before I was in a covenant marriage relationship could cause.

I often say that my mom “drilled it in me” that sex outside of marriage was wrong.  Though back then I often found our chats a little embarrassing and many times I was just plain tired of hearing it today I am thankful that she did.  A few weekends ago I spend some time with some 7th, 8th and 9th grade girls.  What I found out from them was pretty shocking to say the least.  The knowledge in the area of sexual activity for 7th-9th grade girls is quite different in 2009 than it was in 1993-1995, the time period that I was in 7th-9th grade.

Moms, if you’re not already talking to your daughter about sex.  Please begin!  Drill it in them.  Sex is for married couples.  Marriage is designed by God for 1 male and 1 female.  Not 2 females, not 2 males or any other variation.  Moms, did you know that our teen girls today are dealing with bi-sexuality?  I didn’t until a few days ago.

The time to talk to your daughter is NOW!  Whether she is 8 or 18.  Don’t hesitate have that talk today!  Explain to her that sex was created by God and is a beautiful act for a male and female to engage in, inside of a covenant marriage relationship.  Bi-sexuality, homosexuality and any variation besides a relationship between a male and a female is Biblically and morally wrong.

God did not create us with a desire to enter into a sexual relationship with a member of the same sex.  This is not Biblical.  As Christians we will NOT have those urges.  These are all things that your daughter needs to hear.  I know it may sound shocking, but it is true.

As I stand in awe of what these girls know I also stand in fear for them and lift them up to God asking him to protect them from the enemy Satan who is trying to destroy their lives with these things.

Dear Lord,

Please protect the girls of this generation who have much more to deal with than I ever had.  Give their parents the courage and the ability to communicate with them on the topics of sex and marriage and to instill in them Biblical truths.

Lord give these girls the courage to take a stand for what they know is right and to stand against the devil and the temptations that this world put in their path.  Keep them on your path of righteousness.

Amen

During my teen years I vividly remember the times I desperately wanted a new shirt, a new jacket, a new anything for that matter and my dad having to tell me no. I know now after becoming a parent that it was difficult for him to do so and I also know after becoming an adult that it was not something that he could help.

No matter if he could provide everything I wanted, he always provided everything I needed and though at the time I may not have seemed grateful. Now, looking back on those days I truly am. How do you teach your daughter to be grateful, in a world where she feels pressure to keep up with the latest trends, fashions and not stand out too much from her peers?

First, it is important that she understand that it is okay not to fit in, and it is more than okay to stand out, but in a good way. Standing out and standing up for her values and beliefs is something that is far better than staying “in style”.

Once you help your daughter to establish her own identity by discussing the fact that it is okay to be different then she will soon begin to take on her own values and beliefs not just because you told her to believe that way or she has grown up around people who share specific values and beliefs, but because she believes and values those things as well. They have become a part of who she is. Take it from someone who now understands as an adult why I have certain values and beliefs and who cherishes those who taught me those things.

So, maybe my daddy couldn’t give me every new fashion trend that hit the market, but he did give me something bigger, something better and far more valuable. He gave me a strong set of morals, values and beliefs that have carried me much farther than any fad every could.

Do you have an open door policy? Meaning, can your daughter and her friends hang out at your house whenever they want? I just recently watched an episode of Wife Swap. Both ladies on the show had swapped places with each other and both families had teenage girls. One of the moms allowed her daughter(s) to have company anytime including male friends without supervision, while the other never allowed her daughters to have friends over.

The show was a bit sad, with both of the situations being a bit extreme. One set of girls was completely out of control while  the other set was so sheltered and honestly quite pitiful as they were treated so negatively by their parents. Neither set really had a healthy situation in my opinion, which made me think there had to be a happy medium.

It is important that we allow our daughters to have some freedom, especially our teens. But we also have to give restrictions too. There has to be a sense of trust established in order for proper restrictions and balance to be maintained.  A good practice is an open door policy that includes allowing friends to visit when there is adult supervision. You will be surprised how much you can learn from and about your daughter as you witness her interacting with her friends.

Not only will this help you in your relationship with your daughter, your knowledge of her friends and the way that she interacts with them, but it will also help her in her ability to face temptation and say no to it.  She will realize the support that she has in you, as you faithfully back her up and encourage her, not to mention are open to her ideas, and the friendships that she seeks to maintain become a part of your whole family, not just her life but all of your lives.

The friends that she has come over will begin to see the love that you have for your daughter and will begin to respect you, your rules, and your morals and viewpoints.  They will then be more likely to refrain from pressuring your daughter with temptations that they know you would be against.  They would have a greater sense of responsibility to you as they too have a relationship with you.

Then, there is much to be said about how much better you’ll know her friends and how much they will respect you for having them around, opening up your doors, your home and your life to them. It can really do wonders for not only your relationship with your daughter(s) but also your relationship with her friends and her relationship with them as well.